From the moment I met her, she had a big impact on me. When I would think about her, when I would be sitting across from her, when I would pass her in the hallway. Even when I was standing and she was sitting down, she had that impact on me. The best way to describe it would be: “Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. She’s still talking to me. ME! Oh shit.” I loved her eyes, but I also loved the hint of freckles around her collar bone. I loved the dimple in her cheek when she smiled. How free her smile was when it was just the two of us. I loved being witn her.
“Oh shit.” – my entire being became alive around her.
To love her or to not love her. That was the question.
I finally decided to jump in.
She didn’t slam the door when I told her how I felt about her. Not right away. “We’re friends, right?”
There are many ways to end a friendship. The worse possible way for me if for the other person to disappear without saying goodbye. She chose to do this. She chose to give no explanation. It was like we never knew each other.
So she took off. Slammed the door. tight.
What now? Why? No note. No explanation. It’s a human condition to try to figure something out even though you don’t have all the information needed to paint a good picture. What did I do wrong? The blame began. I fucked up. I messed it all up. I said the wrong thing. She’s gone. And she didn’t bother saying goodbye.
Is she angry? What did I do for her to not even bother giving me an explanation? For her to think I wasn’t even worth yelling at.
Worth yelling at?
I’d prefer she yelled at me than disappear? What is wrong with me?
And so it began. I lifted the mirror. Set it in front of me. and took a look at myself.
Holy shit. Where have I been and how long have I been gone for?
I was fortunate enough to reconnect with someone who helped me through that process. To explain how I came to find myself and find peace again is the topic of different, and probably multiple, posts.
Right now, I’m happy to share this much:
Had she not left, I wouldn’t have had to opportunity to take a long look at myself when I did.
Had she not left, I wouldn’t have had the opportunity for growth that came after I looked at myself and admitted that I really was quite the little ball of mess.
Had she not left, I might not have thought about doing meditation again.
Had she not left, I might not have found my way to my emotions again, at least not at this point.
Had she not left, I might not have found my way to my own humanity again.
Had she not left, I might not have had all those opportunities. Maybe not for another while.
Had she not left, I might not love myself today.
It sucked when she left. It really did. I didn’t think I would see a light at the end of the tunnel. It was so dark, I didn’t even know where I was. But she didn’t do all of that. I had already done most of it. I had dug my own hole and I had fixed it all nice and cozy. She was the kick that made me so uncomfortable, it gave me the opportunity to take a look at what I had done with myself.
I then realized the power I have over my life. I had the power to decide whether or not her actions would cause me pain. Once I fully understood this, I realized that I had the power to create and maintain my inner peace. That power and responsibility is mine alone. In truth, anyone can do what ever they like. My only responsibility is myself.
For all of this, I am grateful it happened the way it did.
The moment I met her, I knew she was important in my life. Now that four years have passed since that day, I don’t care to wonder if I would have found myself where I am today if anything would have happened differently. I am now happy. To be the one loving me. In this very moment. that is all I truly need.
So no, she’s not a bitch. She was a source of opportunity and growth.
I congratulate myself for answering the call.
What started like something that could be the beginning of a love affair with someone, ended in a love affair with myself.