With no country, no religion, no family and no romantic relationship. Leave everything. Pack what you really can’t detach yourself from. Go. Follow that dream that has been taunting you for the past three years.
This was the quest. This is the quest. This is my life. Unrooted.
I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I’ve only visited once the place I decided to move to. Sure, I fell in love with it during that week’s vacation. Then dreamed of living there. A dream. There’s a big difference between a dream, and making the dream come true. There’s a lot that you don’t think about. Practically speaking, moving provinces in Canada is expensive. Government services, including driving related requirements, are managed provincially. There’s more, or less, red tape depending on which province you move to. I knew I was moving to one of the most bureaucratic provinces. No problem here. I grew up in this province. I am ready for the red tape.
One of the things I didn’t anticipate is the emotional charge of leaving the life I had made for myself out west. I also didn’t anticipate wondering what the hell I was doing once I got to where I was moving to out east. This is part of my dream. Why wonder about a dream that comes true?
To find yourself alone in an empty apartment, in a place you barely know anyone in, forces you to look into yourself. What the hell am I doing?
I’m slowly realizing that it takes courage, if not strength, to actually pick up and go start a new life somewhere you’ve never lived before. Where you only now one person that lives there. At least it does when you’re nearing fifty years old.
I’m also realizing how the teachings of my dear teacher has helped me through this process. This is really what this post is about: her teaching and the impact it had on me.
I’m a fairly new student of hers. Six months I attended her classes. What I found when I looked at myself in the mini panic I had earlier this week was the result of her teaching. She’s a different type of teacher. I have never met anyone that teaches like her. She’s an original for sure. And that works for me. Her teaching is focussed on her students. It is from their development that she gets her kick from. Not from the money she makes (she puts everything back into her studio, not her personal bank account), not to feed her ego either.
What I found when I looked at myself is my faith in myself. The fact that I am using the word faith is an event in itself. When I walked in her studio a little over six months ago, I was in a tough spot. The dark suicidal days were gone, but I had no idea what to do with myself or how to even start living a life on this planet. I had the desire to live. That was all I knew I had.
My first appointment was a revelation, not so much about myself, but about how safe I felt with this woman. It intrigued me. I wanted to understand how, why I felt safe with her. I wanted to put her under a microscope and observe every angle. I’m not one to feel safe with people. Ask anyone who is close to me, they’ll tell you I keep a distance. I over protect myself the same as I over protect the people I love. I protect myself from people I love too. That distance makes me feel safe. At least that was me six months ago.
I started attending her classes. That feeling of security persisted. That was strange in itself, but I forgot about the entire feeling safe/not safe when I was in class. I felt safe. I could learn. And learn I did.
I learned that there’s nothing wrong with me. I learned that, not only am I loveable, but I’ve learned to love myself. I learned that the universe does work with us. I learned that it’s full of solution and we sometimes get in our own way with our choices. I’ve learned that it’s ok to trust the flow of the universe. That too, is safe. I’ve learned to find peace within myself and cultivate it. I’ve learned that what is external to me, is simply that: external to me. I’ve learned that I don’t control the world, but I do control what happens within me. I’ve learned that I love my peace and I can chose it at will. I’ve learned my strength. I’ve learned to find what I really like and desire. I’ve learned that once I focus on what I truly desire, the flow starts carrying me there. I’ve learned there are two things that drive the world: love and fear. I’ve learned that every day, for every decision, I have that choice: love or fear. I’ve learned that love is much easier. Fear is messy and turns my stomach. It messes up with my peace. I’ve learned to be grateful. I’ve learned how grateful I am to my life and the universe. I’ve learned how grateful I really am to this woman. I’m grateful for her teaching and I’m grateful for the woman she is. I’m grateful to share with her.
Without her teaching, I wouldn’t have opened myself to me. I wouldn’t have opened myself to any other being. I wouldn’t open myself to the world. I wouldn’t open myself to the universe. I wouldn’t open myself to love.
Unrooted. Is the title of this post.
While I am Unrooted to the land I currently live on. I am rooted to my soul.
Thank you Angel. Your mama definitely knew what she was doing when she named you. I know you have had similar impact on other people. We are blessed to have you.
Angel Rogers can be reached via the Home of OM website: http://www.thehomeofom.ca